Nuke's Blog
Periodic ramblings by an old geek…

I mentioned in my last blog post that one of my dusty post-it notes suggested I do some retro movie reviews one day.  Well, today is a great day for that.  So, today I’m going to review some of my favorite movies of all time.

 

Ishtar (1987)

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This was an instant classic.  If you never had the chance to see it back in 1987, you really owe it to yourself to check it out.  Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty team up together as lounge singers in Morocco and eventually find themselves in the middle of a perfectly-crafted international espionage situation.  I believe this award-winning film to be a front-runner to many of the great films we receive from Hollywood today.

 

Battlefield Earth (2000)

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John Travolta.  As an alien.  In a movie based on his religion, Scientology.  Directed by a guy named “Roger Christian.”  Really, how could you go wrong?  This was another instant classic.  The only thing that could have made this better was to add at least another hour to the movie and another one or two hundred uses of the word “man-animal.”  This multiple award-winning film even resulted in yet another drinking game for good-minded young adults.  That’s simply unbeatable.

 

Encino Man (1992)

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What do you get when you hook up Sean Astin with two of the best comedic actors of all time, Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore?  Explosive fun.  Absolute hilarity.  This film is so well written that you can actually use it in your homeschool science classes.  The amount one can learn about evolution alone is worth repeat viewings throughout the school year.

 

The Arrival (1996)

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Now, you may be asking yourself, “could Nuke possibly have any films on this list better than the last two?”  Well, let’s just say you wanted a film with aliens in it that you can use for your homeschool science class at the same time.  Charlie Sheen, who is always best in serious acting roles (remember Major League??? what a bust), hits this one out of the park.  By the time this gem is over, you and your kids can actually find out what the *real* cause of global warming is, assuming you are part of that persuasion of course.  Here’s a hint: cow farts don’t come close.

 

Teen Wolf (1985)

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I can’t wait until Lafe decides he wants to focus his existence on the wonderful game of basketball.  I’d so rather see him stop wasting time reading books, playing geeky games with me, and simply run off to do the right thing and spend his life with sports.  And when he does make the jump, this will be the first movie I show him.  What a tribute to the world of basketball.  This will also be a great one to show him to teach what happens to boys’ bodies as they start to become men.

 

Highlander 2: The Quickening (1990)

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Sean Connery and swordplay.  Need I say more?  Here we have a sequel to a fairly dull movie.  And we all know the law that sequels are generally superior to the original films.  This one takes that law to such an extreme, you’ll not believe how they did it.  In fact, this was one of the first “reboot” movies, where everything you knew about the world of the first film is turned upside-down.  In fact, they made that happen so well, you realize the first film doesn’t even make sense anymore.  I really don’t understand why they had to re-reboot the series when the third and fourth films came out in an attempt to move back to the original movie’s plotline.  Skip the other movies and go with this one.

 

Rocky V (1990)

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Speaking of sequels, here we have the fifth in the line of, count them, six Rocky films.  The first four were OK, but this one finally showed me what Rocky films were all about.  They’re really not about the fighting at all.  They’re about character studies, which are really my favorite kind of film.  It’s about watching Rocky as he just goes through life as it smacks him around.  I don’t really care to see him smack life back in some glorious fight as the music tries to get you excited and stuff.  That’s boring.  It’s contrived.  Give me a good character study like this one any day.  In fact, do NOT watch the final film, Rocky Balboa.  It just ruins that great taste you have in your mouth after watching this one.

 

The Cowboy Way (1994)

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Speaking of character studies, here we have Woody Harrelson and Kiefer Sutherland as cowboys trying to save their friend “Nacho” in the crazy world of the big city.  Outstanding film-making.  I just don’t understand the hate in this excerpt from a Netflix reviewer: “The shenanigans of Sonny [Gilstrap] and Pepper [Lewis] insult the intelligence of cowboys cops and bad guys because every character in this movie is more than a few marbles short of a full brain.”  Ok hater, I have to tell you… Kiefer’s character Jack Bauer in 24 and Woody’s character Tallahassee in Zombieland have nothing, and I mean *nothing*, on Sonny and Pepper.  Enough said.

 

Look Who’s Talking Now (1993)

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I know.  I know.  I chose another John Travolta film.  What can I say?  He simply holds a special place in my heart when it comes to great film-making.  We all knew the amazingness of the original Look Who’s Talking wouldn’t sit alone.  What could be better than the sequel where we get a second talking baby?  Dogs!  That’s right, talking dogs!  Brilliant.  I just don’t understand how they come up with this stuff.

 

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

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I have to tell you, when I went into this one, I had no idea what I was getting into.  This was Samuel Jackson, so you have some idea what you’re going to get, but wow.  Just… wow.  If South Park hadn’t gotten the award for swear words in a certain time frame, surely this film would have bested all previous contenders.  Amazing writing.  In fact, even the plot of the film and the beautifully-crafted name fit perfectly together.  Oh, and if you want another film to show the kids at your next homeschool science class, consider this one.  The idea that shutting the cockpit door can completely stop all effects of a rapid decompression in an airplane can result in all sorts of fun science project ideas.

 

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1958)

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I know many of you out there don’t watch any films prior to 1980, but I’m going to include this anyway.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, owes it to the world of film-making to spend a night with this masterpiece.  The carpet used for grass.  The cop who continually rubs the barrel of his gun on his forehead.  The tin-foil spaceships dangling in front of the camera on visible strings.  Expert prop-work and acting.  And the plot… aliens bringing corpses back to life as zombies and vampires.  The creativity in some minds in the film industry… it’s just… it’s just too much for words.  Please, please go see this movie.  In fact, try to find a friend with a 100+ inch screen and just bask in its glory.

 

Well, I hope you found a few gems in here for your next movie-watching experience.  If you can’t find some of these on DVD today, you may be out of luck.  I’m quite certain people are holding on tight to their VHS copies.

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